OMG I’m writing about something other than hair or money? And that something I just so happen to be writing about is sex… OMG I must’ve been hacked.
1. I am not trying to force any one to go celibate with this post. Having sex is a choice, and not having sex is another choice. Do your thing I’m proud of you either way. 2. I’ll preemptively lay the apologies out to my family members who may come across this at some point. 3. And it is safe to say beyond a reasonable doubt, that any man that has previously gotten to know me in the biblical sense will never, and I do mean NEVER get to know me that way again. But I know their nosey asses are reading this too, so spare me the “hey big head texts”. Thanks… but no thanks.
Now that all of that is out of the way let’s get to the meat of the post… no pun intended. (Okay… slight pun intended). This post has nothing to do with religion or a religious reawakening. I am not a born again, I am not rededicating myself to Christ, nor is this post going to be preachy. There would be nothing wrong with that if it were, however this ain’t that type of party and I want to be clear about that from the start. I lost my virginity at 18 years old and since then have gone on to make one bad decision after the other. In true millennial fashion, I didn’t just make a mistake one time, I made it several times just to be sure of course.
I personally do not like to live in regret, simply because the decisions I’ve made, when I made them were decisions that I wanted to make at the time. Whether they led to a good or bad outcome is besides the point. Instead I like to believe that each decision I’ve ever made has helped me learn a lesson of some sort. That is absolutely the case when it comes to my decisions in regards to who and when to sleep with someone. Essentially the consistent lesson I’ve learned is that I make dumb ass decisions which makes me a dumb ass decision maker.
It only took me a little over a decade to proactively make a different decision and now here we are. Me sharing what I’ve learned over this past year…and you nosily reading along trying to put together juicy details of my life (I know the boys are still reading)
The Five Things I Learned From Being Celibate For A Year
1. Dating Gets A Lot More Interesting: When you remove sex from the table as an option, you find other ways to connect. I’ve always been fairly creative and outgoing when it comes to dates, but it has hard to deny the draw to falling comfortable with a “Netflix and Chill” lifestyle. We’ve become a “Netflix and Chill” generation. But when you’re celibate and actively dating you have to actually chill while you Netflix or find other things to do that cause different types of stimulation. In everything I do in life I prefer not to tempt or torture myself, so I became more cognizant of places I allowed myself to go and things I allowed myself to do. As time went on it really just got easier, and I became more comfortable simply “Netflix and Chilling” because I had taken the time to build a much different baseline than I was used to.
2. Stronger Sense Of Self: Over the year I can’t say that I gained a stronger connection to God, at least not because of my celibacy. I’ve always been a fairly decent level of religious, and going celibate had and still has nothing to do with religion. However I absolutely 100% gained a stronger sense of self. Having sex with someone requires you to give more of yourself than simply on a physical level. It is certainly an emotional exchange as well despite what many people may believe. When I stopped having sex, I no longer had those tiny hang ups and insecurities that piled up in the back of my head before and after having sex with someone. I embraced my extreme awkwardness and developed a stronger connection with who I am at this level in life. I learned more about what I want and what I don’t want because I didn’t have to balance an emotional imbalance or factor in the complications of my poor decision making.
3. Higher Awareness: I don’t know if having sex clouded my awareness, or the lack of sex left me something else to focus on but I became highly sensitive to what was said and not said by those around me. You learn a lot about people from their subtle and not so subtle reactions to your lifestyle choices. I noticed the way people looked at me, spoke to me, spoke about me, I noticed everything. It was amazing information to internalize, because it really made me realize who was listening when I spoke, and what people thought of me. I didn’t realize there was a stigma for those who chose not to have sex, and I never realized how much being sexually active was a visual label we wore in society until I took mine off. I must say though, that all of the doctor’s visits I’ve had this year have been quite entertaining. The double question never fails “Are you sexually active?” “Are you sure” Uh… no and … yeah I’m pretty sure.
4. Sexiness Sold Separately: From the time my ass grew in back in seventh grade I’ve been pretty much labeled the “sexy” friend. I’m sure my choice of clothing doesn’t help… but that’s another post for another time. This last year has been quite a rollercoaster. Besides going celibate I also injured my knee pretty badly and had to change my workout regimen and eating habits to counteract any weight gain. Once my knee got a little stronger I hit the gym even harder because I am fully grown and not store bought. I work very hard for my body and am not ashamed to show off my hard work whether I am sexually active or not. Me looking “sexy” )though that’s really not even a term I ever use to describe myself) had nothing to do with sex. At least not for me. I found myself more comfortable and confident in my body without having to worry about whether someone else would like what they see. It was more than just confidence, it was the reassurance in myself that I was taking care of my body for me. I was looking good or “sexy for myself and that is honestly one of the best feelings you can ever feel.
5. I Control How My Story Goes: There’s not much, if anything really, that we can control better than we can control ourselves. From 2006- 2017 I pretty much allowed other people (and by other people we all know I mean men) to control large aspects of my life. I cried, I went through bouts of severe sadness, I withdrew within myself and for what? I silenced my voice, I tried to be “cool”, I did shit I didn’t want to do, watched and listen to shit I had zero interest in, and had sex because I felt like that was the next step to securing a healthy relationship with someone else. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT! You have to be secure in yourself, you have to know what you want, what you like, and what you’re end goal is. I knew none of these things because I gave up my control. And now that era of stupidity is finally over all because I took my control back.
And I have no wise words to leave you with. I don’t know what’s next for me in my sexual exploration or lack thereof. I do know this post is going to confuse and piss hella people off though… and for me that’s enough.
Petty Peggy ! (my real name Mel tho)
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Hey there! I’m Melissa, co-founder of Trials n Tresses, natural hair and beauty lover, binge tv watcher and lover of life. When I am not creating content for TNT, I’m busy teaching the future of society.